


I'm sorry, what?

by rabbityone



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Gen, Interspecies Relationship, Overprotective Fíli, Pregnancy, Smoking, fem!Kili, fem!Thorin, interspecies pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-06 08:04:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/733405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabbityone/pseuds/rabbityone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin tells Bilbo she is pregnant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm sorry, what?

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise for the lack of updates for Mr Baggins, life has been crazy.
> 
> There really needs to be more fem!Thorin in fandom. Don't get me wrong, I love a good fem!Bilbo, but Thorin could also be a lovely lady too.

“Bilbo, I’m pregnant.”

Bilbo looked up from his book, blinking in confusion before asking the only question he was sure wasn’t going to get him killed.  
“I’m sorry, what was that?” Bilbo asked. Thorin rolled her eyes, taking a seat opposite him in their little sitting room in the royal quarters.

“I’m pregnant, Bilbo,” Thorin said, taking his hand and giving it a quick squeeze. A few months ago, Bilbo would never have believed that he would end up the consort of the King Under the Mountain with a baby on the way. He’d been understandably confused about Thorin’s gender the first time he met her. Dwarf women, he later found out, had beards much like their men folk and could easily pass as men if they so desired. Not that gender seemed to matter much for dwarves or, rather, none of the company wanted to argue with Thorin about having two dwarrowdams on such a dangerous quest. Bilbo got the impression that most dwarves would rather lock up their daughters than allow them to travel. He’d learnt the truth about Thorin after the Carrock, while they were recovering at Beorn’s home. Bilbo had intended on confessing that he felt more than just simple friendship for Thorin and that it really rather scared him. Thorin, in turn, had done some confessing of her own. To be honest, Bilbo was somewhat relieved. He’d sort of come to terms with falling for a male dwarf, but finding out Thorin was a woman had eased so many concerns for him. That sort of thing just wasn’t done in hobbit society and Bilbo was terrified that the same was true of dwarven society. Besides… there was that tricky matter of sex. The mere _thought_ of a penis near his… well, his back-door so to speak, was just a little too uncomfortable. Once it was clear that Thorin was female… well, Bilbo had kissed her deeply and got a fist to the face for his efforts.

Apparently, it was improper for dwarves to be physically affectionate until courting gifts had been exchanged.

It wasn’t until Lake Town that Bilbo was able to gift Thorin with a hand-stitched handkerchief with the symbol for the Line of Durin embroidered on it (he didn’t dare mention that he’d filched the fabric for it from Thranduil’s palace). Thorin braided a small, beautiful bead into Bilbo’s hair. Most of the company had been pleased for them. Kili in particular had been excited to see her aunt happy. Fili was the only one who had glared at Bilbo before stomping off to see to the ponies. Kili later apologised for her brother’s mood, explaining that he was rather protective of their aunt. Fili himself apologised the next day, although he did add that if Bilbo so much as looked at Thorin funny… he’d be a dead hobbit. Thorin and Bilbo consummated their relationship the night before they left for Erebor. He knew hobbits were prone to large families and that dwarven pregnancies were few and far between… but he hadn’t expected this.  
Fili was going to kill him.

“It is customary, I believe, to at least say something when your lover tells you that she is pregnant,” Thorin’s voice pulled Bilbo from his reverie. He squeezed her hand, wrapping an arm around her.

“I’m sorry, it’s all a little unexpected. I assumed… well I assumed it would take a while for us to get pregnant,” Bilbo replied. Thorin chuckled softly, leaning into Bilbo.

“It is true that pregnancies are rare amongst our people. But it seems hobbit fertility was never factored into it,” she replied. Bilbo chuckled in response, kissing her forehead. By the Valar, he was going to be a father.

“How far along?” he asked. Thorin shrugged against him.

“Oin seemed to think five months. Dwarven pregnancies last a year, so it is not surprising that I haven’t started showing,” she explained. Bilbo felt his stomach clench in worry. A _year?_ He couldn’t imagine being with child for a whole year. He tightened his arm around Thorin.

“Well now, I’ll have to start practicing my foot rubbing technique, shan’t I? If I remember my cousins’ pregnancies correctly, you’ll be wanting a lot of those,” Bilbo said, kissing her softly. Thorin smiled, snuggling closer to Bilbo.

 

“I’m sorry you’re _what?_ ” 

Bilbo winced at the sound of barely contained anger in Fili’s voice. He had promised the dwarf that he would respect their traditions, that he’d do right by his aunt. A little too late, Bilbo realised that impregnation before marriage was probably about as far from “doing right” by Thorin as he could be. Kili, by comparison was vibrating with excitement. She grinned widely, throwing herself at her aunt for a tight hug.

“Congratulations Auntie Thorin! Oh Ma is going to be thrilled when she gets here!” Kili cheered, squeezing her aunt before turning her attention to Bilbo. The hobbit soon found himself swept into her arms and being swung around.

“Thank you, Kili. Can you please let me down now?” Bilbo squeaked as he continued to be swung around. Thorin, damn her, was laughing at her nieces antics. 

“Nope! Dance with me Uncle Bilbo!” Kili cried, laughing joyously. Bilbo clung to her, trying to keep from getting too dizzy.

“Have you all gone crazy? You are King Under the Mountain, Aunt Thorin, you _can’t_ be pregnant without a husband!” Fili snapped, arms crossed over his chest. Kili stopped swinging Bilbo around, slowly setting him to his feet. Thorin looked thunderous as she glared at her heir. Fili didn’t seem cowed by his aunt’s stare, a sign Bilbo had learnt meant that there was bound to be a rather spectacular row between them. 

“And what do you propose, Fili? A pick-axe wedding while we’re still rebuilding?” Thorin demanded, her shoulders shaking in anger.

“It’s the least he can do after he _violated_ you!” he shouted. Bilbo flinched, blushing fiercely. That first time he and Thorin had lain together, it had been because they both wanted to be intimate before facing the dragon. They’d been together since then, but… that was probably something Fili didn’t want to know about. Thorin clenched her fist, glaring at her nephew.

“What Bilbo and I did is none of your concern. We will wed when, and only when, Erebor is habitable enough for our people,” she snarled, her voice dangerously low. Before Fili could respond, Thorin spun on her heel, stomping from the room. Bilbo glanced between the two, throwing Kili an apologetic look before scurrying after Thorin. As he left the room, he heard a soft thump and a short exchange between Kili and Fili.

“Ow! What was that for, Kee?”

“We’re getting a baby cousin, idiot. Can’t you be happy for Aunt Thorin?”

 

“Congratulations, lassie!”

“Oh! I’ll get started knitting some baby things, shall I?”

“Bilbo Baggins, you old devil you!”

The rest of the company took the news a lot better than expected. Bilbo grinned nervously as the others clapped him on the shoulder in congratulations. Fili was standing in a corner, glowering at Bilbo. Kili standing by Ori, her grin lighting up the room as everyone congratulated Thorin and Bilbo. Gandalf sat by the fire. He slipped out from the crowd of dwarves, smiling as Baling hugged Thorin like a proud father hugging his daughter. The old wizard smiled around his pipe, a knowing twinkle in his eyes.  
“Congratulations, Bilbo. Fatherhood becomes you,” he said. Bilbo rolled his eyes, taking a seat across from the wizard.

“We haven’t even had the baby yet, Gandalf. Talk to me again in a year and then we’ll see if fatherhood suits me,” Bilbo replied, patting his pockets for his pipe. Gandalf chuckled, offering Bilbo a tin of pipeweed once the hobbit located his pipe. Soon, the two were puffing away in companiable silence.  
“Aren’t hobbit pregnancies only nine months?” Gandalf asked. Bilbo raised an eyebrow.

“Yes… and I know what you’re thinking Gandalf, but Thorin is a _dwarf_. And _dwarves_ …”

“Your baby will be half-hobbit, you know. Perhaps it would be wise to consult…”

“Gandalf, _no_. We will figure this out ourselves.”

“Bilbo, my boy, it might be prudent…”

“Bilbo?” Bilbo looked up to see Fili standing nervously next to his chair. The young dwarf shifted nervously, biting his lip before speaking.

“I apologise for the way I acted the other day. I was… rude and horrid,” he said, shifting nervously. Bilbo smiled up at him.

“Thank you, Fili, why don’t you join us for a pipe” Bilbo asked. Fili opened his mouth to respond, when a sharp voice interrupted.

“Uncle Bilbo, what are you doing?” Bilbo started, raising an eyebrow when Kili walked over, snatching his pipe from his hand.

“Kili!”

“Smoking is not healthy for the baby!” Kili snapped. Bilbo, Fili and Gandalf stared at the lass in varying states of confusion, amusement and horror.

“How do _you_ know that?” Fili demanded. Kili rolled her eyes.

“I mean it Uncle Bilbo, you need to stop,” Kili insisted. Bilbo looked to Thorin, hoping she would stop this madness.

“She’s right, Bilbo. My father smoked while mother was pregnant with Frerin. She said that was the reason he was premature,” his traitorous lover replied. Bilbo gave an exasperated huff.

“Oin!”

“Don’ bring me into this laddie!”

“Thorin!”

“I’m sorry Bilbo, but Kili’s right.” Bilbo fixed Thorin with a very annoyed glare, hoping to stare her into submission. He felt a hand on his shoulder, glancing up to see Fili give him a sympathetic smile.

“Just go with it, Uncle Bilbo. I know a place where you can smoke without Aunt Thorin finding out,” he whispered. Bilbo nodded.

This was going to be a long four to seven months.

**Author's Note:**

> Should there be more? Let me know!


End file.
